Fear Showing Its Ugly Little Head Again

Friday
What happens when your fear runs your heart rate up your breathing becomes out of control, your panic censors are beyond danger and you just wanna give up? It's called swimming in the nasty --- lake! Okay I thought the ocean was bad, but no the lake. It was nasty!
I went for my first swim in the lake, since the swim location for the triathlon has been changed from the ocean to a lake location. So I don't know where it's going to be. (picture that, you know where you are going to run when you enter a race right?... anyway.)
So we get to this lake and it looks so nice, with smooth water and nice trees surrounding it. "Great." I thought, "I can do this." Now here comes the 'things to cautious of list: Small fish swimming around you, sea weeds and plant may touch you and the slimmy ground below you, but you'll get use to it (disgusting!)
The water was only my chest deep and waist deep in some areas. But the bottom of the water was so nasty, I did all I can to avoid touching it. From the start of landing my feet in the lake I was grossed out. I couldn't imagine putting my face into this nasty, slimmy feeling ----! (This ---- will make you constantly cuss!) So, it took a long time before my eyes saw what it looked like under water, by this time everyone is so far ahead I couldn't see them anymore (I don't wear contacts and my glasses are on the dock.)
Thank God another kayak, she was able to tell me "Hey your going the wrong way" A new direction I went, right into some type of plant or seaweed. I felt tangled forever, I tried to swim hard, to swim fast, to just get the ---- out. My heart and stomach are moving and beating at an uncontrolled pace. I put my face under water after getting away from the yucky and start to think "calm down, relax. I gotta get outta here." it was too late, I had already panicked.
I couldn't see or hear any other swimmers but the kayak was still there. I didn't feel well at all "Can I throw up out here?" is what I thought. My breathing was very panicked so I turn over on my back and talk to Dad. I started to think, how to get out, my thoughts were "To swim like if I was in the pool, make a game of it." So I started counting my three strokes and breath, every time I got the 15th breath I would rest. After the second set I could hear voices "We are over here!" The kayak guide constantly redirected me. The current in the lakes seems to push me in another direction.
At one point when I was in the water one of the directors asked was I okay. "Yeah, I'm just scared, but I'm okay." Scared wasn't an excuse, I was not liking being in there. By the time I reached the dock everyone was well rested and ready to go again. My breathing was rapid I was not happy and I felt like I needed to throw up. I took off my goggles and swim cap and looked at the others mouths move, but I couldn't hear or wasn't really listening to what they were saying because I had my own thoughts that were dominating my heads like "I'm not going back in there, they crazy, relax, breath, stay in control."I watch them swim, they were graceful, controlled and fast. I didn't want go back there...EVER!
Sunday
Yes, we are back in the ocean. At this time I'm glad to see the ocean. They had big, bright orange buoy's that I can see from the shore without my glasses. The temperature of the water never bothered me. Not warming up in the water is what we haven't done during the whole training. I guess that just don't happen with this event, but that's okay. I went to get wet, to feel the water before starting. Rocks and pebbles were below my feet after about three feet. I felt sand... it was pleasant, it was tranquil.
I returned to the group and the workout was explained and we went. Still staying to the back of the pack so I wont get kicked, elbowed or in the way of the other swimmers. I made my way through the crashing waves, it was fun. Like being a kid again playing in the ocean. We went through a number of these waves before getting to the buoy. There I was, confident in the ocean water. Relaxed just making it to the next big, orange buoy. It no longer matter if anyone was there or not I knew where I was going. That defines security.. knowing where you are and knowing where you are going!
We finished our workout and the director wanted swim some more. Believe it or not I wanted to go also. I didn't want to hold up this small group being that I'm speed challenged. Most everyone had enough. I talked to the others that were slower, but not as slow as I into going one more round. A small group of us made our way back out one more time and I ended up doing it again and my last lap was faster than the first and second!
My conclusion: Fear can trap you. Security is confidence.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!

I never posted the mural finished, so here it is!

Something else to celebrate.

They had a reception and explained the mural and its meaning. In the picture representing the sponsors, Regions Bank branch manager Christine LeClaire, Alicia Somers vice president of comsumer sales and Barbara Gubbin the Jacksonville public library director.
Here Barbara and talk about the mural

Here's almost a full shot, just about completed.

I miss you but I still hear you, you are so loud, so powerful. I love you.
Update. Daddy here a newspaper article of the mural from January in
Times Union (click and add Pamela Miller artist in search bar)
I have been pretty busy not as many commission as I want, but enough
to keep me busy. I have been a little exclusive showing my running art
and participating in running expo
which has been good. I completed a t shirt design for the
Santa Barbara Half Marathon which is being held May 9th this year.
I am working on triathlon commission which I am also training for.
So much has been going on. We keep going on! Love you,
Your Pamela Ann

Marathon Specialty

Daddy the marathon run is this weekend, are you ready??? I had to get a new MP3 player, the other one decided to trip up and just go kerput. The radio part of it works sometimes, but the is it. I got another and was able to save some music from the radio onto it. Don't know if it equals to 4 hours and it don't have your voice on it either. You are up in my head always to stay anyway. Technology will never live up to the measures of you.

Im ready to get off this marathon daily eating routine. At first is was like, "wow I get to eat all that, yes" but now, Im ready to eat modest. After the marathon I will take a week off and start the cross fit program to gain some muscle. I will continue to run in smaller increments and build back up to the end of the year with a 50k in the high desert with Tanya and Marc December 2009.

Tomorrow I'll pick up my race number, GU, make sure I have a pack of gum too. I have to chew some after I take the GU to shake the after taste. I like the Triberry and the Orange something. They help keep me boosted up and get the protein to my muscles so I haven't had to deal with numbness. I checked the weather for Sunday, it is suppose to be 37 degrees with scattered storms and a high of 73 degrees. Well, I did want it to be cold, but not that dog-gon cold. I set my target goal at 4:30. With it being that cold I might run a 4:10, he he he. Most important, I have your drumstick, that I will be carrying while we run, so enjoy the ride.

I had to change my shoes to. I must have put more miles than I thought to count. But during my last run I was glad to check em to find that, yes indeed it was time. I went back to the running shoe store and they were out of my size and I had to go to the same brand and style. It is to close to the marathon to switch up shoes even though now they have a style new for 2009, $110. I was able to get the same Asis GT2130's, same size, different store different price. Hmmm, the same shoes on sale for $76, regular price for $95 at the running store was found at the sports store same regular price on sale for $59. This is the wrong time to be a loyal customer. My feet are happy with the style that I have, but now that is discontinued I will have to change styles on my next purchase. But still it makes me say "Hmmmm, specialty stores?"

Read Robert Kennedy's quote below photo

Double click on image to view larger

Oh Happy Day!

The first black president!

Daddy, I probably couldnt imagine these words comimg

from your mouth. Living throug the early 60's was hell

of a world trying to create change and not to speak for

our ancestors. The self esteem will change for our children

and their children through this day, change is here. I wish

were actually here to view this side by side with mom.

Here's is our new President Barack Obama.

Hello,
Here's the latest wall mural. It was created for the Cross Fit West Jacksonville center. It stands 12 feet from the floor. I was able to paint as if you there, like back in the day. I remember the first window that we painted together at twelve years old, don't feel to much like yesterday. I listen to you sing "Thank you for letting me be myself again" and I can feel you meaning it. I'm thankful for being able as well. Thank you for being such a great and powerful man. I love you. It was great having you there.