Monday, June 8, 2009

Fear Showing Its Ugly Little Head Again

What happens when your fear runs your heart rate up your breathing becomes out of control, your panic censors are beyond danger and you just wanna give up? It's called swimming in the nasty --- lake! Okay I thought the ocean was bad, but no the lake. It was nasty!
I went for my first swim in the lake, since the swim location for the triathlon has been changed from the ocean to a lake location. So I don't know where it's going to be. (picture that, you know where you are going to run when you enter a race right?... anyway.)
So we get to this lake and it looks so nice, with smooth water and nice trees surrounding it. "Great." I thought, "I can do this." Now here comes the 'things to cautious of list: Small fish swimming around you, sea weeds and plant may touch you and the slimmy ground below you, but you'll get use to it (disgusting!)
The water was only my chest deep and waist deep in some areas. But the bottom of the water was so nasty, I did all I can to avoid touching it. From the start of landing my feet in the lake I was grossed out. I couldn't imagine putting my face into this nasty, slimmy feeling ----! (This ---- will make you constantly cuss!) So, it took a long time before my eyes saw what it looked like under water, by this time everyone is so far ahead I couldn't see them anymore (I don't wear contacts and my glasses are on the dock.)
Thank God another kayak, she was able to tell me "Hey your going the wrong way" A new direction I went, right into some type of plant or seaweed. I felt tangled forever, I tried to swim hard, to swim fast, to just get the ---- out. My heart and stomach are moving and beating at an uncontrolled pace. I put my face under water after getting away from the yucky and start to think "calm down, relax. I gotta get outta here." it was too late, I had already panicked.
I couldn't see or hear any other swimmers but the kayak was still there. I didn't feel well at all "Can I throw up out here?" is what I thought. My breathing was very panicked so I turn over on my back and talk to Dad. I started to think, how to get out, my thoughts were "To swim like if I was in the pool, make a game of it." So I started counting my three strokes and breath, every time I got the 15th breath I would rest. After the second set I could hear voices "We are over here!" The kayak guide constantly redirected me. The current in the lakes seems to push me in another direction.
At one point when I was in the water one of the directors asked was I okay. "Yeah, I'm just scared, but I'm okay." Scared wasn't an excuse, I was not liking being in there. By the time I reached the dock everyone was well rested and ready to go again. My breathing was rapid I was not happy and I felt like I needed to throw up. I took off my goggles and swim cap and looked at the others mouths move, but I couldn't hear or wasn't really listening to what they were saying because I had my own thoughts that were dominating my heads like "I'm not going back in there, they crazy, relax, breath, stay in control."I watch them swim, they were graceful, controlled and fast. I didn't want go back there...EVER!
Yes, we are back in the ocean. At this time I'm glad to see the ocean. They had big, bright orange buoy's that I can see from the shore without my glasses. The temperature of the water never bothered me. Not warming up in the water is what we haven't done during the whole training. I guess that just don't happen with this event, but that's okay. I went to get wet, to feel the water before starting. Rocks and pebbles were below my feet after about three feet. I felt sand... it was pleasant, it was tranquil.
I returned to the group and the workout was explained and we went. Still staying to the back of the pack so I wont get kicked, elbowed or in the way of the other swimmers. I made my way through the crashing waves, it was fun. Like being a kid again playing in the ocean. We went through a number of these waves before getting to the buoy. There I was, confident in the ocean water. Relaxed just making it to the next big, orange buoy. It no longer matter if anyone was there or not I knew where I was going. That defines security.. knowing where you are and knowing where you are going!
We finished our workout and the director wanted swim some more. Believe it or not I wanted to go also. I didn't want to hold up this small group being that I'm speed challenged. Most everyone had enough. I talked to the others that were slower, but not as slow as I into going one more round. A small group of us made our way back out one more time and I ended up doing it again and my last lap was faster than the first and second!
My conclusion: Fear can trap you. Security is confidence.


boddah said...

Stay away from the Lake. Sounds awfully gross. Do you want some contact lenses so you can make sure you don't swim right into a whales mouth.
What in the hell . . . I said, what in the hell . . . Pamma, did you leave the gate open?
Please don't get life and bulls*#t twisted.

Anonymous said...